Your Pastor Needs Your Kindness

“Pastor.” 

That word probably conjures up mostly good memories and respect. But through all of their healing, restoring & guiding work, pastors can live with a lot of secret pain.

Why Your Pastor Needs Kindness

According to a survey by the NY Times a few years ago,

1. 75% of pastors report severe job stress
2. 1,500 pastors per month leave their careers due to burnout, conflict or moral failure.
3. 45% of pastors say they’ve suffered from depression or burnout
4. 57% of pastors say they would leave the pastorate if there was somewhere else to go
5. 80% say they don’t have enough time with their spouse
6. 33% say that their ministry is a risk to their families

So let me ask: You think this has changed? Not likely! In fact, most experts think it has intensified!

You might think: “Oh my pastor doesn’t struggle like that!” Well, I sure hope not. But I know pastor friends of mine have definitely struggled in this area.

Sometimes, it’s called “caregiver burnout,” and it’s a real thing. Pastors can go from incredible highs (celebrating a new job with a needy family) to incredible lows (sitting with a grieving wife and kids) in a 4-hour timespan. This isn’t an exaggeration. 

Just yesterday, I went from 

• dealing with a middle-schooler fight in the church bathroom
• to preaching a message that God blessed
• to getting our church cookout rained on
• To saying “sorry I can’t visit that little one in the hospital until tomorrow” 

…in 4 hours. 

Kindness counteracts caregiver burnout

Honestly, do you know what your pastor probably needs? Sure, statistically, it might be a raise. But what if you’re not able to do anything about that one? 

Are you simply unable to help? No.

One thing would make a massive difference: Your kindness and encouragement. 

2 practical ways to be kind to your pastor

Kindness #1: Encouragement for your Pastor

A kind note, a kind word, a kind text… these kinds of things make it possible to keep going. 

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for 2 months on a good compliment.” I bet your pastor can relate! You might think that your pastor gets enough of this. I bet you’re wrong. :) 

Sit down and spend 5 minutes and make a kindness plan. Don’t just do general “you can do it” stuff, make it specific.

Let me give you some language: 

• Pastor, your message from a few weeks ago about [insert Scripture here] just came back to me and really helped me make it through today. 
• Pastor, I feel so blessed to sit under your ministry and count you as a friend. You’re exactly the leader we need at the moment in our church. Thanks for pointing us to Jesus!
• Pastor, I was praying for you just now, and the Holy Spirit gave me a reminder about [something he said in a message or something you noticed him doing]. Just wanted to let you know. 
• Pastor, a few days ago, I noticed when you [some fruit of the Spirit, or something well done]. I just wanted to say great job and I appreciate you! 

PRO TIP: Speak your criticisms face to face; but write AND speak your compliments. 

Kindness #2: Be Kind to Your Pastor With Time

A while back, I surveyed small church pastors across several denominations and asked them what was most frustrating in their ministry. I gave them multiple options to choose from, as well as the ability to write their own answers. Here’s what they told me about their greatest challenges:

What’s the biggest frustration you have in your job at the moment?

1. Getting their congregation to volunteer (42%)
2. Sufficient time for prayer (42%)
3. Finding Family/work balance (42%)
4. Dealing with conflict in the congregation (39%)
5. Guest follow-up (36%)
6. Planning church outreach events (28%)
7. Personal time management (25%)

I can almost guarantee you–your pastor struggles with 5-6 of these. :ook at the common thread between them… do you see it?

Time.

That one thread ties all of them together. 

Being a pastor these days is different than it was for your grandpa’s pastor!  

In those days, people led lives with more margin, just 1 car, less TV, smaller houses, and (to be honest) fewer options. Pastors had a secure and respected position in the community. They weren’t really expected to be CEOs, doing executive work in an overstimulating world.

Pastors today have a lot of “shadow work” that drains time and creative energy, and they’re often overwhelmed & frustrated.

Here’s the kindest thing you could do for your pastor in a world like that:

Ask him if you can carry some part of his load.

Here’s the wrong way to do it: “Pastor, let me know if I can ever help you.”

That’s what most people do, but it’s incredibly vague… and probably not that helpful to your pastor. It requires him to do the lion's share of the work: 

1. finding things that needs to be done
2. recalling all the people who have said they would be glad to help
3. choosing who would be good at it
4. overcoming his doubt that you were just being nice and are actually too busy
5. reaching out and trying to schedule a time to meet
6. waiting for you to have the time to do it

And get this: he has to do these things every time there’s a new project!

I’ll be real. It’s actually easier for your pastor just to do it himself, because giving things away is exhausting… and that’s why he does!

The people who are truly kindest to their pastor aren’t the ones who ask him to “let them know if they can help in any way.” No, the people who are kindest are the ones who find something to do and CRUSH it, month after month.

So here’s what you do instead:

1. Ask your pastor to meet with you so you can talk with him “about a way I’d like to help around the church.” (Note: Always tell him why you want to meet! It reduces stress!)
2. Say “Do you mind if I took over ____ and made it so excellent you’d never have to think about it again?” (You’ve got options here. Greeters, guest follow-up, discipleship ministry, lawn mowing, etc.)
3. If he hesitates, ask “What is something that drains your energy right now? Could I help with that?”
4. Ask him “Can we make a list of what you’d like to get done in that area?”
5. Ask questions, and take notes.
6. Ask him to do it with you once. Ask more questions.
7. Go crush it the next week.
8. Ask for feedback on how you can improve it.
9. Go crush it every week after that.

Your pastor will feel the energy lift from day 1, just from having someone else on the team. By the time you reach step #9, you don’t need to worry about getting stranded on a desert island, because your pastor will come and find you! 😂

Now, what are you waiting for? Write a note to your pastor, share this article with another lay leader in your church, and text your pastor, and you want to buy his lunch or coffee so you can help lift his load.

Do it right now, before you forget! 

Note: One easy way to help busy pastors? Get an easier-to-use church management system that lightens the load of communication, reporting, decision-making, and more.